Step Parents Often Find It Difficult To Share Authority

Step parenting usually brings its own particular problems as the new step parent is caught in the middle between the biological parent and the children. precisely how much difficulty you may meet depends upon a whole variety of factors, not the least of which will be the level of co-operation you get from the biological parent and the ages of the children.

The best parenting advice and the answer to step parenting success is to be found first in clearly establishing your role with the biological parent because you will certainly have an uphill battle if the two of you are not fully in agreement from the beginning. With any changes in a relationship though you also have to appreciate that adjustments will take time and you will have to adopt a 'step by step' approach. Any attempt to rush things, or to push the situation, will undoubtedly result in frustration and possibly confrontation. The biological parent might feel threatened by the requirement to share parenting and will need time to adjust and to develop trust and confidence in you as a parent to his or her children.

Your next step will be to establish your role with the children who, unless they are very young, will normally resent the intrusion of an 'outsider'. You will have to take things very gradually and understand that the children will need time to get used to the situation before they accept you in the role of a parent. Once more, you will require the assistance of the biological parent in building your relationship with the children.

Any successful move into step parenting must begin with a clear and frank discussion with the biological parent, during which each party have to talk freely and honestly about how they see their own role, as well as the role of the other party, and you both have to arrive at a clear agreement on precisely how you ought to share the responsibilities of parenting. This discussion also has to set clear boundaries but need to be adaptable to allow for adjustment, particularly in the all important first few weeks and months following the establishment of your new relationship.

This initial discussion will not of course be the end of the matter and several similar conversations will need to take place before any truly meaningful and lasting change in parenting responsibilities can take place.

Having reached agreement the next step in the process is to bring the children on board and this must at first be led by the biological parent. At an appropriate time everyone should sit down together and the biological parent has got to begin a discussion during which the plan that you have come up with can be revealed to the children and then discussed with them.

It is important to emphasize here that this should be a real discussion and not merely a matter of the parents 'laying down the law' to the children. It is extremely important that the children have a say in to the conversation and that their thoughts and views on what has been agreed are heard. Children, just like adults, must be given a feeling of control over their own lives and have to be comfortable with the situation in which they now find themselves. This is not to say that the children must be given control over the situation, which must stay firmly in the hands of the parents as the ultimate decision makers, however, every effort has to be made to make sure that they understand the situation and are as happy with it as is they can be.

The mere fact that the children can see that their parents have clearly considered the position carefully, and agree about it, will do a great deal to stop the children from playing one parent off against the other and the fact that they are included in the process will also assist considerably in getting them on board.

Arriving on the scene as a step parent can be difficult for not only the step parent but for the biological parent and for the children and all parties will need to work together carefully and take their time to build an environment in which everyone is able to live together happily. Handled with care step parenting is not as difficult as you might think.